My grandmother is failing pretty rapidly right now. She’s living at a retirement facility in Molalla, OR. I go and see her every Wednesday, though I think I’m going to go and see her today (Monday) as well. It’s a very odd thing in a way to have a grandparent die of old age. I feel in a way like I should be there all of the time, but with the two little kids, I can only stay so long, and a half-an-hour trip to Molalla and back is something of an undertaking. We’ll go today, and perhaps again on Wednesday, but then we’re going to be out of town Thursday through Saturday.\par
\par
My grandmother has been been slowly going downhill now for several years, and it’ll be two years since she moved out of our basement in January. Her passing has been so gradual, in a way. The other day I was thinking that it seemed like I hadn’t seen her in a while – but I had, just the previous Wednesday. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t really communicated with her since early summer – she’s been whispering and just listening with her eyes closed most of the time since then. The odd thing is that, because her movement out of my life has been so very gradual, that when she does pass, I don’t know what I expect to feel. I don’t know how I feel now. Her current existence is pathetic and unpleasant, and I wouldn’t wish her to linger in it any longer than necessary. And yet I worry for the state of her soul. And should you ever wish for anybody to die?!! But if I could prolong her life for a week longer… would I? She herself is ready to go.\par
\par
In away, one expects the whole family to gather to say “goodbye,” and yet, we all did that when we thought she was failing in August, and it seems odd to do it again. It is very strange.
|
|||
 |
End of Life..1 comment to End of Life.. |
||
|
Copyright © 2010 Home Despot Elly - All Rights Reserved |
|||
I know it is different for everyone, but when a passing is drawn out so long like that, there is a strange sense of relief. There is grief too, but you just feel so much better for them when they go. Sometimes the grief kicks in and you miss them, and you want them back so that you can have them with you, and that’s okay too. But, the relief is such a strange feeling. It’ll be okay Elly, eventually your feelings will sort out, and it’ll be easier to pinpoint what your feeling..and then you just have to let yourself feel. I’m sorry for your grandma, and I’m sorry that it hurts you to see her go. Just know that we’ll be praying for you, and that you’ll know what to feel when the time is right….You’re doing the right thing, it’s good to see her while you can, but seeing her is mostly for you, try not to feel guilty if you can’t always be there.